The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
So many bounce houses so little time
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
