In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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