: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
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