you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
