I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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