Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
