The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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