At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
