Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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