How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
