I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
