That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
whose parrot is this?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
