I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
