I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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