porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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