One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
