A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
