oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
