God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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