I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Randomize
