Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So I think I might still secretly love him despite the ass licking...
Hey ass licking is a very nice and intimate thing! Don't discredit your feelings
But what if he licks everyones ass?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
