I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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