before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
