I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
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