I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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