thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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