Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
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