I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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