There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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