I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
tequila makes me forget i have legs
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
