i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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