margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
cat food counts as protein by the way
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
