Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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