you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
