the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
