Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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