remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
