So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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