i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
