I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
