I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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