I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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