we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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