There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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