Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
