Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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