In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Let's get the cat blown out
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
