i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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