I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
