i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
