You were right. It hurts to walk today.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
This is my gift to your gina
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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