i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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