i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Randomize
