Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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