Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I think people are normalizing furries
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
