yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
You can't special order awesome
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
