So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Randomize
