The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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