saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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