and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
