I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
